


Null and Void

by jayilyse



Series: Sweet Never Tasted So Bitter [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Cotton Candy, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, One sided, Sadstuck, mentions of dad, mentions of dirk, mentions of jake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 05:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayilyse/pseuds/jayilyse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy Lalonde, you’re the Rogue.</p><p>....</p><p>You have cried many times over how she’ll never love you like Jake – they’re reoccurring thoughts over and over. It even happened at your first sleepover with her. The things she does though, what she says to you – it keeps bringing your hopes up.</p><p>You lean against a wall, eyes closing, and try to think of a plan on the spot. Those amazing plans you stay up late at night thinking about conveniently disappear when you need them the most. All you wind up doing is strolling down memory lane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Null and Void

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who would like to know, my other Cotton Candy fic happens to be their first sleepover. While this can be read on its own, if you guys want you can go give the other one a look. But only if it's for your own cotton candy fan fiction needs. With that said, enjoy.

 

 

Roxy Lalonde, you’re the Rogue.

 

It shouldn't be this hard for you to steal something. It’s a little harder because it’s stealing from Jake, but it shouldn’t be _this_ difficult. He has the most precious thing to you in the palm of his calloused hand, and he’s wasting it. You want it. You want it terribly. You want it just as bad as you want a drink right now.

 

You want her heart.

 

There is no one in this world that means more to you than Jane Crocker. She’s your BFFSY 4EVER. All those chats you have with her that last until midnight – you love listening to her goofy laughter when she’s on that tired high. It’s the kind people get when they’re totes too tired to be up. Then there are silly sleepover shenanigans like throwing wizard plushies all over the place, or playing “catch the Mutie”. It’s like hide and seek but with a mutant cat. Only it leads to you tripping all over the place and getting bruised a lot. You don’t mind it since it usually winds up with her kissing your “boo boos”. Her lips always feel soft. You know it’s only a mother-like gesture, yet you can’t help but shiver and wish it was your lips on hers. And then there are all those times you went sober for all your sleepovers because she asked you to. That’s love. At least, it is to you. All of it has to mean _something_ more to her than just plain friendship, right?

 

Right now you’re at a party, in Jane’s house, hosted by her father for some special occasion. While her father’s one fine piece of ass, you’re pretty sure that Jane’s is much more suitable to your taste – lots more booty to go around. Jane’s house is pretty swanky, too. Adults and their teenage kids alike move about the room, talking to each other, telling each other jokes, and eating the home cooked treats at the table. Dirk and Jake are here too, chilling on the couch, eating some chips. You can tell that Dirk is checking Jake out by the subtle head movements. That type of thing is barely perceptible for others. You’ve just known Dirk long enough to do it. Knowing that he has bow chicka wow wow feelings for him helps too. Jake is blathering away about some movie or another, stuffing chips in his face and waving his arm above his head like a maniac. He really is a nice guy. But he can’t have both Dirk and Jane. He has to share. You just don’t know what you could do to steer Janey away from him, and toward you. Hell, you don’t even know if she swings that way. For once in your life you’re not scared to try and figure it out. You have cried many times over how she’ll never love you like Jake – they’re reoccurring thoughts over and over. It even happened at your first sleepover with her. The things she does though, what she says to you – it keeps bringing your hopes up.

 

You lean against a wall, eyes closing, and try to think of a plan on the spot. Those amazing plans you stay up late at night thinking about conveniently disappear when you need them the most. All you wind up doing is strolling down memory lane.

 

In one of the first handful of times she slept over, you promised her that the both of you would go “camping” in the backyard because she never went camping before. However, you hadn’t bought a second sleeping bag yet. It was a really starry night out too – a bit chilly, and there were a few clouds. It was a perfect night to camp out. You knew you were going to disappoint her. When you told her, her lips turned to a pout. That was adorbs, actually. At the time you felt horrible about it, though. Her pout soon disappeared, forming into a buck toothed grin – gleaming white against her slightly tanned skin.

 

“It’s no big deal, Roxy. We can share a sleeping bag!”

 

Granted, you had known she knew about the giant sleeping bag. But this was totally out of the blue. You gulped. You’re pretty sure that went undetected. She didn’t say anything about it. Then again, she’s as oblivious as Jake is. You asked if she was sure, and when she nodded, you went to grab your telescope, its accessories, the parts to build the tent, and the sleeping bag. You had set up the stones, firewood, and put the marshmallows outside earlier that day, on the closest hill. The matches were in your pocket. You were taking too long for her tastes, and by the time you were back downstairs she was practically pushing you out the door. It’s surprising how much strength that girl has.

 

Your backyard is huge. Larger than your house – it’s more like your own personal set of fields and knolls. Jane had never been in your backyard before. She didn’t even think that you had one since your house was so big in the first place. The minute she came outside, she was awestruck. The subtle winds lifted her hair to and fro, in a way that made her all the more dazzling to you. There’s just grass and hills as far as the eye could see in your yard. She tried to contain her excitement – she tended to jump up and down when things were too much to handle in the happy department. You saw the sparkle – the excitement – in her eyes. You knew she’d love it here. You smiled at her, when she finally looked back at you. Most of your buzz was gone from the drinks this morning. Your slurs and mess ups weren’t as bad compared to your usual self. You pointed at the hill closest to the both of you.

 

“Race you there, Janey.”

 

She smirked at you.

 

“Oh it’s so on, Ro-lal!”

 

“Count down, Mizz Crocker.”

 

You didn’t really change your stance much. You knew she was going to win – you were going to let her. You’re faster, but not by a lot. The race would seem close no matter what happened. You gave her the telescope stand and the tent stuff, telling her to be careful with it. You still held the sleeping bag and the actual telescope itself. It was a big disadvantage. Even if you hadn’t decided to let her win she would probably win anyway. Jane seemed to take the idea of a race very seriously for once. It was probably from all the extra energy due to the happy department. She changed her stance into one of a track athlete’s. It was an awful imitation, really. You chuckled, and she gave you a quizzical look.

 

“It’s nothing.” You say with a wonk. 

 

“Count it out.”

 

Jane smiled, looking back toward the hill. She furrowed her eyebrows, and started the count.

 

“Ready? One, two, three…go!”

 

And then she was off. You were off too, of course. Just not like how she seemed to make leaps and bounds off the grass, speeding down the plain like a bullet. Maybe the sleeping bag and telescope were even less helpful than you thought they would be, in reference to your running endeavors. By the time you made it to the bottom of the hill, she was on top of it, beaming down at you. Damn her buck toothed adorkability. She was staring directly into your eyes, for some strange reason – as if she was daring you to challenge her again. Jane can get a little competitive, even if she isn’t a show boat about it. You like it when she challenges you – makes you feel that strange sensation in the pit of your stomach. At the very least, you hid your blush by saying you were flushed from running. More specifically, you whined and pouted at her to keep up the ruse.

 

“Jaaaane, why did we have to run?”

 

“It was your idea you know.” she chided. She still couldn’t hide the playfulness in her voice. 

 

She took another look at your pouty face, put a hand up to her mouth, and giggled. Her laugh was – and still is – totes the most beautiful laugh you’ve ever heard. She has that habit of trying to hide her laughter by covering her mouth, and failing miserably. Sometimes, you don’t know how she can get any cuter. She manages to prove you wrong every time. You put down the telescope and sleeping bag gently on the crest of the hill. Jane adjusted the telescope stand and telescope so she could look at the stars. She lives in an area with too much light – she never saw the stars as bright as they are around your house. You smiled at her, though she was too busy setting up the stand to notice. You set the tent up and put the sleeping bag inside.

 

Before she got to put the telescope on the stand, you stopped her.

 

“There’s no such thing as camping without a fire, Janey.”

 

Jane looked toward the circle of stones and firewood with a confused face. Then she spotted the marshmallows and tiny sticks nearby. It was like a light bulb went off in her head. She has this other funny habit of putting complex things together really fast, yet taking a bit to put together simple things – like how roasting marshmallows is key to any camping trip. She got that excited glint in her eyes again, so you told her to fetch a couple sticks to put the marshmallows on. She came back faster than you thought she would. She caught you om nom nomming on a marshmallow early. You turned around to her and grinned, forgetting that the marshmallow was in your mouth. All the goop must have made your smile look weird, because she let out a loud, elongated “pft”, and a chuckle. Which of course, led to you grinning wider – which almost made it a never ending cycle. Your jaw hurt after a while, though, which forced you to stop. Jane sat down, cross legged, by the fire you lit up, thanks to the matches. She handed you a stick; you took it without hesitation. You remember thinking “Aw yeah, marshmallow time.”

 

“…aw come on Ro-Lal! Why camp out without a scary story?”

 

“Jaaaaaneeeeey, I’m horibible – horrible, lol – at telling that stuff.”

 

“Pretty please?”

 

You couldn’t have resisted that even if you tried.

 

“Alright, fine. I’ll tell the story of the Battyswitch – Batterwitch.”

 

Jane smirked; she was probably glad she got her way. As always, she had that twinkle in her eye. You leaned in, so the fire gave your pale face a spooky glow.

 

“Ready, Jane?”

 

She gave you a serious nod, putting her hands on her knees. You began to tell the story, raising your arms and waving your now empty stick for emphasis. She was laughing most of the time, so a lot of the time you had to mock scold her – “Janey, this is suhsspposed to be scary!” – all she would do is laugh and tell you to go on. You added noises when needed, such as “woosh”, or “ooweeooo” when something was especially scary. At one point you said “alakazamo”, when you meant to say “kablamo” – the Batterwitch was beating someone up – so you stopped and cursed. She almost doubled over with laughter, and you had to laugh at your own mistake too. It was pretty ironic – Dirk would’ve been proud. Her grandpa had this magic chest full of hilarious antics, and she told you that he would often say that to open it in front of her father. Of course, her dad never knew it was unlocked in the first place when he was little. Her grandpa’s prankster gambit was way up there. When there was finally silence, you looked at her.

 

“Wanna set up the telescope?”

 

As you suspected, Jane was amazed by the stars and the constellations. You could hear tiny little “Wow!”s and the usual “ooh”s and “aahs”s. You laid down on the grass since you were used to the stars. The grass was cold and somewhat wet from the dew. When the grass flattened against your back, it made your shirt a bit damp – you didn’t mind. The air was getting even cooler – the breeze finally becoming full blown wind. You put your arms behind your head and shut your eyes. You could hear all the noises around you – the crickets, the low howl of the wind, and Jane’s. After a while though, it got too quiet. A couple moments more and there was rustling coming from the grass next to you. A cricket couldn’t rustle the grass that loudly. You opened your eyes and looked toward where the sound was coming from. Jane had maneuvered herself so that she was lying next to you. Jane turned her head to you – you could see her face now. You could see how her glasses were slowly falling down the bridge of her nose and the sides of them were pushing into the ground. You could see some of her freckles because the moon was bright, as well as how close you were to her. As always, she was breathtaking.

 

“I wish you had two telescopes. It’s no fun if you can’t see what I’m seeing.”

 

No one had ever said that something was no fun without you. Your mom had said it, but that was probably some passive aggressive psycho babble. You wanted her to say it again. You wanted to tell her how much you loved her. You wanted her to say it back. Most of all, you wanted to hold and cuddle her – hug her and never let go. But as always, you were too scared.

 

“Midnight cloud watching is always chill.”

 

“Hoo hoo hoo! Nice one, Roxy.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You didn’t realize your own pun? It’s chilly out here.”

 

You couldn’t help but snort when you laughed.

 

The moon was really bright that night – even closer than usual. There was a lot of pointing; she kept thinking that random stars formed constellations. You showed her where the real ones were. There weren’t many clouds to look at, but they all moved and morphed, creating different shapes to mention every time. It led to banter that would seem terribly weird to someone if they walked in on the conversation.

 

“….that cloud is defs ice cream.”

 

“No way! Look at how fluffy it is, Roxy.” Jane said, starting from a tone that was playful and changing into a fake serious one. You turned your head toward her this time, and she turned to see you.

 

“It has to be cotton candy.”

 

You looked at her with a straight up poker face. She tried to put one on too, but she’s soooo awful at it. Although, your poker face can only last a minute or two against her. By the time a minute was up you both giggled. In fact, you cracked up so hard you nearly cried. She pretended to be mad – you both knew she wasn’t. You graced her with a smirk when you could finally breathe again.

 

“Yeah, you’re probs right.”

 

It wasn’t much longer before your eyes starting closing on their own. Jane was yawning like crazy. The both of you decided to pack it in for the night. Jane went inside the tent first, and you followed after you put the fire out. It was slightly cramped in the tent, but it was okay because it was much warmer in there. She hopped into the sleeping bag first, and you hopped in too. The warmth disappeared immediately and turned into outright heat. All the warmth came to you from closing the sleeping bag, and being right next to the girl you love. She should start calling herself the moving radiator. There wasn’t much room to move in the sleeping bag, either. You didn’t really want to move from the position you were in, though. That is, straight, rigid, and on your back. Lord knows what you would have done if you did. You wanted to do all kinds of things, including the things you wanted earlier and much more. You weren’t about to tempt yourself into doing them. Several minutes past and you thought she was asleep. You breathed a little sigh of relief.

 

That is until, within a flash of a second, she had turned on her side and wrapped an arm around you – putting her head on your shoulder. Your breath hitched a little. Her skin was soft to the touch too – she always smelled like cake and sweets – the smell more pungent because of the proximity. It was hard for you to calm down and assess the situation, though you’re pretty sure you seemed calm from the outside.

 

“Hey Ro-Lal?”

 

You tried not to stutter. Hell, you tried not to breathe perchance that stupid thing called a heart would stop beating against your ribcage like a wild monkey.

 

“Yes, Janey?”

 

“You know I love being with you right?”

 

You prayed to the God you tend to not believe in that she couldn’t feel your heartbeat – how your own breathing pattern changed. You wanted to cry. You knew what she said didn’t mean what you wished it meant. Your voice threatened to break into choked sobs even though your voice was practically stuck in your throat anyway. You held the sobs back and managed to speak by some miracle or another.

 

“I love being with you too.”

 

You open your eyes to see Dirk staring at you. Jake is now busy talking to another person and ignoring the world around him. Something wet on your face attracts your attention. You reach up to touch where it’s wet, and feel mascara running down your face. Apparently, you’re crying. You look across the room, only to see Jane. She hasn’t even noticed you. She’s looking at Jake with that longing stare – her bright blue eyes trying to reach his in a room filled with people.

 

Shit.

 

This is the final epiphany. It took you long enough to accept what you have realized all along, yet hoped beyond hope that it wasn’t the truth. You can feel your emotions swirl in a tempest of sadness, jealousy, and rage. It isn’t rage toward Jake. It’s rage toward your idiotic self. Your heart feels like it is literally sinking. Your stomach churns with the last of your hope – finally breaking it down into nothing and adding to your desperate need for a drink. You’re in this full room, yet you’re completely alone. You walk out, and while Dirk raises an eyebrow from behind his shades, he lets you leave. You’re left alone with your thoughts – your terribly, terribly, truthful thoughts.

 

She’ll never talk about you like she does about him. She’ll never speak about you with that amount of love and longing in her voice. She’ll never give you those looks – that look so full of ache, want, and innocent need. Not like some of the horrendous, dirty thoughts you have about her. Roxy Lalonde, you’re a sicko. A pervert. You can see it completely now. You can see she only has eyes for him. You’re the Rogue, but she’s the crook that stole your heart. He’s the Page and while you yearn, desperately want, and would do anything for it to be otherwise, has and will always have the heart of your beautiful Maid.

 

Where there is life, there is hope.

 

And all you are is null and void.


End file.
